im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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