it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
