There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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