we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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