I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
