dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Are my feet made of real feet?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
