dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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