I wish I could teleport
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
