Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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