Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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