He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
