Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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