I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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