My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
