oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
