i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
