I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
