put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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