Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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