How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize