i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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