you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize