So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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