Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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