There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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