the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
