turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
