party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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