I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
