I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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