Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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