dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
