i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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