if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
