Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
