I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
