I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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