I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Randomize
