ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
