I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
