i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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