At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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