I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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