your parents love me but you hate me
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
do nipples grow back?
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