My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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