K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
