Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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