Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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