i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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