so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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