Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
