dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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