I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize