I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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