I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
