There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
