The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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